What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
