I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
they're like a gay fantastic four
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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