Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
