Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize