You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
