So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
