Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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