Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
