my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
