Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
