I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
