Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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