a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
