I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
