we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
