Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
