My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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