well I can't set my house on fire every night
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
A+ Viking dick
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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