u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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