16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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