So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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