I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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