i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
