She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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