Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
