she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
