I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
