Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
