I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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