You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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