my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
