dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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