Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
