I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
