Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
