So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
