My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Randomize
