please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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