Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
