I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0