dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
