i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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