i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
