I will die if light touches me.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
