did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
