Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
