peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
