I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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