I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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