When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
