I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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