i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
