I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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