She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
