moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
