Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
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How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
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For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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