after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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