I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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