he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
sex in a hospital.. check
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
