I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
