when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
